Friday, December 19, 2008

Such Strident Sounds

"Now everyone, I want you to sing 'ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ' on this note, followed by a hard, harsh 'SSSSSSSSS'."

180 tongues that were all slightly too close to each other for comfort but were still spread evenly throughout the large choir room tilted upwards towards the top front of the respective mouths that housed them, leaving a small slits of space through which gusted 180 streams of air.

All the ones with perfect pitch exchanged the compulsory look of disgust implicit with every note the choir sang.  I caught three faces disgusted by duty and effectively trounced their disgust with my far greater disgust, and felt embarrassed to be a human being.  

The letter S, by far the most common letter used in the English language, denotes an alveolar fricative.  Its sounds is an odious, hair-straitening hiss.  The alveolar fricative is the most common consonant in every single language in the world except certain Aboriginal Australian languages.  

The S sound has an uncanny ability to bring out all of my contemptuous feelings; it is a conceited, omniscient letter.  Every person has a uniquely distinct S.  My first judgement of a person's character will come from the way he or she annunciates the S.

There is a hierarchy of categorization for s-types.

At the top comes the major distinction:

Dry and Fluid.

Dry and fluid do not describe the physical attributes of the S; rather they describe the tone.  

Fluid S's are like well oiled hinges.  They are clear and sharp.  People with fluid S's tend to air on the side of being egotistical, or are simply sloppy in speech.  Fluid S's can hiss like the sound a faucet makes when a little water is coming out. 

Within the broad category of fluid S's are more specific classifications.

Dominant Fluid S's: Most often belonging to people with sloppy annunciation, these S's govern ones speech like King Jung-Il governs North Korea.  All I can hear when talking to a person with a Fluid Dominant S is "S".  It is a loud S and is not forced; it simply encroaches.  

Forced Fluid S's: These S's are forcibly inserted.  They are usually loud and obnoxious and indicate loud and obnoxious people.

Recessive/Controlled Fluid S: This S signifies restraint and control.  It is slick but not overly oily.  It is audible but not overpowering.  It is the best S-type possible to have.

Saliva-Enhanced Fluid S's: Very unattractive.  

Dry S's: Dry S's do not flow like fluid S's.  They are choppier and more metallic.  

Forced Dry S's: A horrible, horrible S-type, this never fails to make me shiver.  It is a forcibly inserted, loud S.  It is metallic and hissy.  It hisses like pressurized air escaping from a small opening.  

Saliva-Enhanced Dry S: These S's usually insinuate a discharge of more spit than their Fluid counterpoints.  

Recessive Dry S: This is the only S that does not immediately stick out to me.  It is not a good S, but neither is it a bad S.  It does not flow, but does not take over one's speech and gently fills the space between its surrounding sounds.

Controlled Dry S: Controlled dry S's do not exist naturally in nature; they are brittle yet the speaker forces them to be as close to fluid as he or she possibly can.  A person with a controlled dry S invariably has a large ego and expects an unwarranted amount of attention.  

A few more varieties are the SH s (or the McCain S) where the S becomes a hybrid letter, slightly in between S and SH (these people tend to be overly anal); additionally there is also the radio S, where a person's normal S sounds like it is coming through a low-quality radio speaker.  The 'TH' S is essentially an excessively dry S.

S is the ultimate letter of gossip.  In quiet speech it carries the farthest.  It tantalizingly hints at secrets you will never know.  It is intimidating.  A well-placed S slaps you in the face as hard as a fast-moving palm.  It is seductive.  It's mysterious powers can send guttural, shivering warmth and create a blind pull. 

It has so much power.
Sso much power.
Ssso much power.
Sssso much power.